what did i put myself into ?

i always told myself that i have control over my own life. arrogantly told myself and arrogantly very confident about it.
early this year i have put myself into a dangerous relationship and today, reality hits ! have been avoiding to think about it and unconciously solve it. it's just that i dunno when to actually do what i think, i'll wait.
let's put it in a positive way - when i entered the relationship i know it's gonna end this way, didn't expect the reason for ending it would be this way and when, but yeah, it's going that way. now i need to find the strength to end it the best way i can and the best for myself.
hmmmm....
i really don't know !!!!!!!!!

I DUNNO WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT !

broken bridges : the musical

since may 1, 2006 i involved in the rehearsal process of the "broken bridges : the musical". we just end the show on sept 3, 2006. the four months was an extraordinary experience. i really don't know how to describe it. how i wish i made myself find the time to blog about every single day the team we together. since it's just gonna be a wishful thinking, let me just hope that the memories stay with me forever.

we had our wrap up party at joe's balcony. a few key people made speeches so now it's my turn..

joe hasham (director)
when i first met joe in january 2006, the first question he asked me was "do you know who is joe hasham ?" i answeres "yes". then he said "do your know that he's a bastard ?". i laughed, not knowing whether he's serious or joking.. it was half scary and half friendly. after working with him for the past 8 months, am speechless. he's a simple man but with infinity wisdom. it is really a priviledge to work with him. it is an honour that he knows my name. thank you very much joe, for giving me the opportunity to be part of your team.

dato' faridah merican (executive producer)
when i first met faridah, the same time and venue i met joe, had a bit of fear in me. meeting the dato' faridah merican, the first lady of malaysian theatre. the next second our conversation went on, she striked me as motherly, caring, loving, and full of magical charm. when i stage-managed "the fastest clock in the universe" my heart dropped went i found out that she's one of the cast. mix emotion of fear, happy and honour filled me up. on stage, faridah is like a kid who just got her first toy. every night i dream of being like her in the future. her smile can can stop a war (i quote).

lim chuang yik & teng ky-gan (writers)
when i found out your ages, i felt very small. you guys are so much younger than me but you already made your name printed everywhere. you guys are rare gems. your story is so simple but so real and touched every soul. i cried the first time i read it, were crying for the past four months. excellent story my man ! thank you very very much for the experience..

mervyn peters (chorus master)
the first intro we got about mervyn is that he is very very garang. mess with him, tau la nasib you after that. probably being in the production team instead of the casts member, mervyn don't have to be garang with me. once, he ring me early in the morning just to chat about the production. it was really great to work with mervyn and i hope this won't be last. and also, thank you, yut sam (mervyn's wife) for organizing our birthday party (yes people ! mervyn and i share the same star).

geneviene wong (rehearsal pianist & band pianist)
gen is a gem. an angel. a sweet, nice person. you will almost wonder if there are any species like gen ever exist anymore. but there's gen ! her patience and passion kept the music together. her fingers dancing is hypnotical.

james boyle (musical director), tony leo (guitarist), elliot koon (drums), kevin theseira (bass), boon, aiwen & chi mei (band singers)
without you all the musical won't happen. without your beat there were no emotion. enjoyed the moment i gave you all the countdown to show. enjoyed the drama backstage we acted.

pat chan (choreographer)
i left the show with a slight broken bridges with her. but professionally, i had fun working with pat. had fun watching she conducted the warm ups and dance plus imagining in my mind that i probably can do all the movements as good as she does but dare not try. envy the elasticity of your bones.

jia-wei & arica chia (set designer), yeow (costumer designer)
the set was brilliant. all the symbolic character was excellent. don't think anybody else would have done it that way or as good as what you did. the costumes reminds me of my parents picture during the 50s and 60s. so cool to see the casts who are living in the present day but dressed up like when the time my parents are still courting !

sandee (lighting designer), mike thomas (sound engineer), ude (tech supervisor), sky, donald, (show techs), boy, mat (followspot), boy, hanif, sara (set-up techs)
you guys are the best lah ! i thank each and everyone of you all for putting up with my attitude. thank you for the time explaining to me technical matters even you don't have the time. thank you being easy to work with.

rina, janice, ian, ken, daryl, tora, iman, boy, jessie, eric & jimmy (stage hand)
can't say much about the stagehands at stage left but i personally know that tora, ken & daryl is very easy to work with. he he he, i know you were dying to be on my side !
janice & ian, thank you for being very helpful and obedient stagehands.
iman, am still angry with you for not having the guts to tell me that you are leaving. it cost me my reputation, you owe me that much.
boy, am sorry things went the way it was, hope things are better for you now.
jessie, eric & jimmy (replacement for iman & boy), didn't get a chance to observe how you worked but since no hiccups i suppose everything went well.

and my dearest rina, (has been my backbone since 8 years ago), as always, you know i can depend on you. thank you so very much for being there. love ya loads !

pui see (front-of-house supervisor) & her front-of-house army
i know sometimes i put you thru hell but thank you for handling it so brilliantly. without you the show will never start !

magdalene, regina, farah & nikki (wardrobe assistants)
mag is really helpful and for a young girl like you, your professionalism level is tremendous. appreciate your help and friendship..
regina, farah & nikki, thank you for the fun and ""fun"" we had backstage..

bebe chan
hmmm... this is someone i would never say anything good about. i just wish i kept a log of what she does for the production so i can be assure that not a single day within the four months that she didnt drive me nuts. i wanna make clear to everyone that she does not earn my respect simply because her ways are just disrespectful. i wanna believe that there are some brain some where in you so i suggest you use it for your own sake..


and here goes to the female ensemble..

fang chyi
wonderful opening mate ! thank you ever so much for the quick course of stage management. still need your coaching yek...

davina goh
you are just weird la girl ! such a beautiful girl with brain. watching you transformed into so many characters are just amusing..

nicole fuchs
not many mat sallehs can put up with malaysian attidude but you are an exceptional. all the best in the parenting life..

callista chuah
you are such a nice person coz you take my scolding you with profesionalism. sorry, was just doing my job, but i understand your late problems. thank you for the experience..

yen lin
you just know how not to be scolded, don't you.. will always remember your cuteness and hyperness that put the show to life.

joanne poh
you are such a darling being a friend to everybody. thank you very much for making my job easier.

emily yoon
enjoy life the fullest & believe in yourself. thank you very much for the experience..

carol wu
it's nice to know you, chatting with you coz we share the same working experience. thank you so very much for making my job easier..

next to the male ensemble..

vincent lee
mr. in-vince-able ! it was a pleasure to work with a gentleman like you. thank you very much for the experience and your cd..

johann lim
knowing a man like you makes me believe gentlemen are still out there but also taken.. he he he.. you are the best, my man !

carliff rizal carleel
thank you so much for the experience and i know you can do a lot more in your life in the future.

choy le roy
great arms ! that's why we got the great review, thanks to you.. he he he.. thank you very much for making my job easier...

azmir abdullah
vege guy ! i am not going to buy vege for at least til the end of the year, man.. thank you very much for being a dear..

nick dorian
i always thot i can treat you like my little brother. very obedient, sometimes childish, sometimes a man.. enjoy life to the fullest aight !

kc lam
mr postman ! for a geek look-a-like, you are a big bully. had fun every bits of time with you. thank you so very much for the experience.

patrick teh
you are such a cute little gentleman. thank you so very much for everything..

mark beau de silva
my first assumption was that you are a quite little man but you turn out to be full of emotion and so very talented. it was great working with you and looking forward for ah steve..

and then there were the leads

douglas lim
to me douglas is a kid in a man's body. he is so jumpy and hyper. probably too much sugar in the body. besides being talented in acting, singing and making jokes, it was amusing to see douglas so interested in malay songs. great being in a production with you, my man opps, sorry superstar !.

colin kirton
colin is another person that i really love to work with and is looking forward for every chance to work with again. professionalism in him is marvelous... it was a great pleasure colin.. thank you very much..

ho soon yoon
soon yoon loves to sing and of course got a great voice. he is so cute playing leong. i will always remember you said - i love malay song coz the words are put so beautifully that it can be translate to any other language. even i didnt realize that fact until you told me.. enjoyed every moment backstage, you are very easy to work with. thank you very much..

monti


tony eusoff
tony, tony, tony... what can i say.. tony have only one scene in the play and after that he will go around bullying everyone or rather go around to be bullied.. it was a pleasure fun working with you. and ooh, zsa zsa is a really sweet girl so you better take good care of her..

maybel chan
we at backstage were always quite, pin drop silence waiting for the sound of your slap. you play your character so well and so believable. you also made my job easier and thank you dearie..

janice yap
being slap every day for the past four months was no joke. i really kesian to see you but you being an exceptional actress, you did very well.. thank you so much for the experience..

rachel tan
your voice is so beautiful, girl.. your innocent look, well, you are innocent in fact really touched everybody. thank you so very much for the experience..

joanne kam poh poh, chan wen li, cristina yap & saasanii
my favourite moment of the aunties are of yeh lai xiang and joanne's 'aiyah, witty, witty, witty !' it never fails to make me laugh every single time. it was a great pleasure to work with you all, thank you very much..



being in a big production like broken bridges with all the cast can sing, dance and act makes me wonder why don't i have all that talent. hmm.. am just made to be at backstage, i guess... it was the greatest priviledge and honour to work with all of you (well, minus a very few people..) can't wait for our ipoh trip so we can be one big happy family again !

cheers..

the birth of endgame

hey all..
i've actually created a blog but decided to delete it coz i didn't like some part of it. actually i dunno why but i did it anyway..

ladies and gentlemen, presenting to you - endgame...
the first time i heard the term it striked me as a scary definition.
the end is in the beginning and yet you go on..
it's all about life, about how we handle our own life, about how we sometimes wanna handle other people's life, about options, about choices we made when we are still called a human being..
as the blog progresses some of you will think i am a perfectionist. oh well.. maybe.. i have been thru quite a lot for the past 30 years of my life (but i look slightly younger, he he he..) so i sort of know how to consider from different perspective before i make any choices or decisions. but well, as a human being i make mistakes as well..

so, thank you to all of you out there for sharing my stories. i sometimes lie or don't tell the whole story to other people but with this blog, i am trying to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth, and try not to offend anybody.. we'll see..