pet rules

the love & hate relationship with my cats

Dear Rufus, Hazel & Leo,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food, does
not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I
find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The living hall was not designed by F1 and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the room or kitchen is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a queen sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years -- feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message
on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain
About Our Pets:
01. They live here. You don't.
02. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
03. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
04. To you, it's an animal. To me, they are my 3 daughters
who are short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, cats are better than
kids because they:
01. Eat less
02. Don't ask for money all the time
03. Are easier to train
04. Normally come when called
05. Never ask to drive the car
06. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
07. Don't smoke or drink (i don't have to share mine !)
08. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
09. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.